The Knitting Elf

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Healing

My apologies if you've already read this over at my LiveJournal. I am trying to keep this blog strictly craft related but this seemed such a significant turning point in my life I could not help myself :o) The picture at the bottom is my sweet sweet kitty (Korat) who has seen me through all the happiness and the despair as I've ridden this emotional roller coaster. I love my kitty!!


This is what I wrote in my journal yesterday over at dailystrength.org:

So last night I found out there was a problem; turns out that the photography studio didn't get my application and when I tried to send it again yesterday the job listing had been taken down so I was unable to submit it :o( I guess it just wasn't meant to be...but that's ok.

I've now realized that I am doing rather well. Yes, I've been out of school for more then a year. Yes, I've been out of work for about 8 months. But I've also been adjusting too and learning how to cope with having Celiac Disease.

I've now realized that I am exactly where I need to be. Most of the people I interact with don't understand because they don't have to deal with having a lifelong condition like this. They don't have to follow a strict diet and worry all the time about getting sick...but that's ok too.

I've now realized that I have no reason to feel bad about not having a job or being in school. I am still learning to cope. I have come a long way and should be proud of what I have accomplished.

I am crying as I'm typing this (never realized how hard it is to see the screen through tears..haha), they're good tears, tears of joy :o) I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I can be content, now my inner turmoil will end, now I'll no longer feel bad when someone asks me where I work or if I'm in school.

Work and school will come when it is time. Right now I need to take care of me, I need to work on healing, I need to focus on wellness.

I almost feel reborn, like a new person...a happier person :o)


This is very good :o)

All summer long I've been feeling more and more despairing and pathetic because I'm not in school and I don't have a job, I just exist. When I meet new people they always ask what I do or if I'm in school but when I tell them I'm not doing either I feel bad and somehow ashamed. I have cried many tears over this and had many dark days because of it. I've hidden most of my despair from all that know me in real life...some knew I was occasionally down but not the full extent of it. I tried to hide my feelings because I didn't want to alarm anyone and would've felt more pathetic had anyone known why I was so down...I have a hard time trusting anyone with my deepest feelings and thoughts.

But now...I've accepted. I thought I had come to terms with having celiac disease but I hadn't quite fully accepted it. Now I feel like I can move forward. I have realized that even though this is hard it's ok. My having a hard time with this does not make me weak or less of a person. I am going to have to live with this condition for the rest of my life! Of course it's going to be hard!

I still have healing to do. My body has been healing for a year but I am only now starting to see signs of repair. This is normal :o) I just need to be patient and keep moving forward. My celiac was discovered early enough in my lifetime that I will most likely make a full and complete recovery, it just takes awhile.

I haven't felt this happy in months. I guess I really was depressed after all, I just didn't realize it because it creeps up so slowly.

But now I am overwhelmed by joy :o)

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1 Comments:

  • Hi, you don't know me. I found you through something you posted over at Craftster and followed your link. I just wanted to say how much I appreciated what you said about being able to be ok with your situation and not letting other define who you are or how you should be living your life. Over the past year I have been dealing with some health issues of my own and for the first time I kind of feel ok too about my situation. Thank you for that, it means alot. Oh and btw I have a black cat too that has seen me through good and bad. :)

    By Anonymous Danielle, at 11:39 AM  

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