Healing

My apologies if you've already read this over at my LiveJournal. I am trying to keep this blog strictly craft related but this seemed such a significant turning point in my life I could not help myself :o) The picture at the bottom is my sweet sweet kitty (Korat) who has seen me through all the happiness and the despair as I've ridden this emotional roller coaster. I love my kitty!!


This is what I wrote in my journal yesterday over at dailystrength.org:

So last night I found out there was a problem; turns out that the photography studio didn't get my application and when I tried to send it again yesterday the job listing had been taken down so I was unable to submit it :o( I guess it just wasn't meant to be...but that's ok.

I've now realized that I am doing rather well. Yes, I've been out of school for more then a year. Yes, I've been out of work for about 8 months. But I've also been adjusting too and learning how to cope with having Celiac Disease.

I've now realized that I am exactly where I need to be. Most of the people I interact with don't understand because they don't have to deal with having a lifelong condition like this. They don't have to follow a strict diet and worry all the time about getting sick...but that's ok too.

I've now realized that I have no reason to feel bad about not having a job or being in school. I am still learning to cope. I have come a long way and should be proud of what I have accomplished.

I am crying as I'm typing this (never realized how hard it is to see the screen through tears..haha), they're good tears, tears of joy :o) I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I can be content, now my inner turmoil will end, now I'll no longer feel bad when someone asks me where I work or if I'm in school.

Work and school will come when it is time. Right now I need to take care of me, I need to work on healing, I need to focus on wellness.

I almost feel reborn, like a new person...a happier person :o)


This is very good :o)

All summer long I've been feeling more and more despairing and pathetic because I'm not in school and I don't have a job, I just exist. When I meet new people they always ask what I do or if I'm in school but when I tell them I'm not doing either I feel bad and somehow ashamed. I have cried many tears over this and had many dark days because of it. I've hidden most of my despair from all that know me in real life...some knew I was occasionally down but not the full extent of it. I tried to hide my feelings because I didn't want to alarm anyone and would've felt more pathetic had anyone known why I was so down...I have a hard time trusting anyone with my deepest feelings and thoughts.

But now...I've accepted. I thought I had come to terms with having celiac disease but I hadn't quite fully accepted it. Now I feel like I can move forward. I have realized that even though this is hard it's ok. My having a hard time with this does not make me weak or less of a person. I am going to have to live with this condition for the rest of my life! Of course it's going to be hard!

I still have healing to do. My body has been healing for a year but I am only now starting to see signs of repair. This is normal :o) I just need to be patient and keep moving forward. My celiac was discovered early enough in my lifetime that I will most likely make a full and complete recovery, it just takes awhile.

I haven't felt this happy in months. I guess I really was depressed after all, I just didn't realize it because it creeps up so slowly.

But now I am overwhelmed by joy :o)