Healing

My apologies if you've already read this over at my LiveJournal. I am trying to keep this blog strictly craft related but this seemed such a significant turning point in my life I could not help myself :o) The picture at the bottom is my sweet sweet kitty (Korat) who has seen me through all the happiness and the despair as I've ridden this emotional roller coaster. I love my kitty!!


This is what I wrote in my journal yesterday over at dailystrength.org:

So last night I found out there was a problem; turns out that the photography studio didn't get my application and when I tried to send it again yesterday the job listing had been taken down so I was unable to submit it :o( I guess it just wasn't meant to be...but that's ok.

I've now realized that I am doing rather well. Yes, I've been out of school for more then a year. Yes, I've been out of work for about 8 months. But I've also been adjusting too and learning how to cope with having Celiac Disease.

I've now realized that I am exactly where I need to be. Most of the people I interact with don't understand because they don't have to deal with having a lifelong condition like this. They don't have to follow a strict diet and worry all the time about getting sick...but that's ok too.

I've now realized that I have no reason to feel bad about not having a job or being in school. I am still learning to cope. I have come a long way and should be proud of what I have accomplished.

I am crying as I'm typing this (never realized how hard it is to see the screen through tears..haha), they're good tears, tears of joy :o) I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I can be content, now my inner turmoil will end, now I'll no longer feel bad when someone asks me where I work or if I'm in school.

Work and school will come when it is time. Right now I need to take care of me, I need to work on healing, I need to focus on wellness.

I almost feel reborn, like a new person...a happier person :o)


This is very good :o)

All summer long I've been feeling more and more despairing and pathetic because I'm not in school and I don't have a job, I just exist. When I meet new people they always ask what I do or if I'm in school but when I tell them I'm not doing either I feel bad and somehow ashamed. I have cried many tears over this and had many dark days because of it. I've hidden most of my despair from all that know me in real life...some knew I was occasionally down but not the full extent of it. I tried to hide my feelings because I didn't want to alarm anyone and would've felt more pathetic had anyone known why I was so down...I have a hard time trusting anyone with my deepest feelings and thoughts.

But now...I've accepted. I thought I had come to terms with having celiac disease but I hadn't quite fully accepted it. Now I feel like I can move forward. I have realized that even though this is hard it's ok. My having a hard time with this does not make me weak or less of a person. I am going to have to live with this condition for the rest of my life! Of course it's going to be hard!

I still have healing to do. My body has been healing for a year but I am only now starting to see signs of repair. This is normal :o) I just need to be patient and keep moving forward. My celiac was discovered early enough in my lifetime that I will most likely make a full and complete recovery, it just takes awhile.

I haven't felt this happy in months. I guess I really was depressed after all, I just didn't realize it because it creeps up so slowly.

But now I am overwhelmed by joy :o)

Fetching again

Here I am, stuck at home :o( Saturday's usually my day to get outta the house and do what I please, but today Mum and Daddy had a dress rehearsal that started very early this morning and will go until about 4 o'clock this afternoon. So being the oldest child (aka built in babysitter :oP) I get to help out (at least I get to go to their concert tonight, supposed to be awesome)

I wasn't going to update today because I didn't think I'd have any knitting updates to make but that was before my insomnia kicked in...I now have a new pair of fetching:



You can see I decided to continue the cable all the way up. They hug my hands a lot more then my last pair...kinda nice :o) Last week I discovered that if I wear some of these all the time, my fingers are less frozen (they're always cold!). I think this has something to do with them covering my pulse points and increasing blood flow to my hands?? I don't really know and don't really care so long as they help my fingers remain a more normal temperature and not be so stiff and achy from being frozen all the time.

As David correctly stated yesterday, my hat says "Damn I'm cute" :oD This is something you would not normally hear me say in real life; mainly because I don't (usually) use profanity*. FYI - If you know or ever meet/speak to my parents or any of my relatives...it says "I'm so cute" ;o) I came to decide on this phrase when I was discussing this hat with some internet buddies. It was suggested I do something like "Smile Beautiful" or something to that affect...I liked this version better :oD

*I don't use profanity because IMO when it is used in excess it does not give the impression of intelligence. There are so many other words we can use to express ourselves, why use the same four letter words, that all mean basically the same thing, over and over again?? And BTW I'm fine with others using profanity around me, you can curse so much it would make a sailor blush for all I care, just don't expect me to join in :o) Of course the exception is when I've been glutened...for the first few days I am in a VERY foul and bitchy mood; so much so that I usually hole up and keep to myself as to avoid deeply offending those close to me...I say a lot of things I don't mean.

Finished hat

I've finished my Morse code hat!!



Any guesses on what it says?? I've give you a big hint:

-.. .- -- -. .. .----. -- -.-. ..- - .


The first person to guess right gets...umm...a big cyber hug :oD
Or you could just wait a couple days for me to update again and I'll reveal what it says.

Hats and Tigers

I was hoping to be able to update today with what message I'll be knitting into my hat....not so.

I had made up my mind...but it's wrong...I need something different. I was going to have it say "humina humina". Long story short, this reminds me of a late friend. I thought it would make me smile. I thought it would be a good way to remember him. I thought it would help me. But it just makes me cry and I'm not a crier :o(

I had knit "humina humina" into my hat....ripping it out as I type this :o(

I don't want to leave you with out a picture...that's boring. So here's water color and ink piece I did a couple of years ago...rawr!

Hat Weather

I've decided I need a hat. Today I CO and am sort of making it up as I go along...kinda nerve racking for me, this'll be the first time I've ever knit something with out a pattern. I was inspired by a Morse code hat I saw awhile ago on Craftster. Their message says "I am stinky" :o) I'm not yet sure what I want mine to say (yes I'm planning to knit a Morse code message into it). I want it to be something that will make me smile every time I wear it.

Here's the start of my hat


I'm doing the cuff/brim (what do you call that part of a beanie?) in 2x2 rib; it's about an inch long now.

FIXED!!!

My lap top is back!!!! I haven't quite finished installing all my programs yet, but I do have pictures!! Before my hard drive crashed I didn't like having my picture taken...now however, I've turned into quite the picture whore :oD It's about 4am, I can't sleep, and what am I doing? Taking/uploading pictures of myself. hahaha

So enough talk, get ready for a picture overload!!

Let's start with my lovely cardigan




And here's a hoodie I made out of a Tshirt. I used a tutorial from Craftster (check it out here). Notice the two-way zipper and thumb holes; pretty spiffy! :o) David pointed out that it's Slytherin colors, I'm more of a Ravenclaw girl, but I may put a Slytherin crest on the front anyways. The '50' on the back combined with the Harry Potter coloring makes me think of it as my Quidditch jacket :oD (can you tell I love this thing? I've been wearing it pretty much nonstop since I made it on thursday!)







Here's the sock that I'm not speaking to. I'm less frustrated with it today...I might even finish it....maybe



And the coiled shell for Brother's Nautie. About half-way now



So there you have it, a picture overload :oD

I have a feeling there will be more of these soon....

Waiting

Um yeah so I haven't updated in two weeks....

I've been waited for my computer to be fixed so I could upload pics. Yes, it's still at the shop (grrr). The guy that fixes computers for them lost the paperwork and they're having a hard time getting a hold of him now that they found it (the paperwork I'm referring to explains/proves that my lap top is still under warranty; he won't touch it unless all of the paperwork is in order).

My sock and I aren't speaking. I made a stupid mistake and haven't felt like ripping back to fix it yet. I wasn't too thrilled with how it was knitting up anyways, I think I'll probably frog it and start a better sock. If I do I'll take a picture first :o)

I started another stuffed nautiloid. It's a Christmas present for brother. I'm knitting it out of simply soft (acrylic. Don't look at me like that, he's 5 years old; I'm not going to make his something out of natural fibers until he's old enough to care for it). I'm about a third of the way through it's (coiled) shell.

I picked up my bag that I've been knitting (remember this?). I'm not too fond of it anymore. It kinda hurts my fingers to work with the cotton yarn and I screwed it up somewhere and can't figure out where. I'm kinda starting to hate it....might frog this too :oP

*sigh* I need to find a new project that I'm excited to work on. Something that inspires me and makes me want to work on it. I really like the Heere Be Dragone shawl; but I'm not sure I could pull it off (I know I could knit it, I'm just wondering what I'd do with it after it's done...I'm not really a triangle shawl girl). Hmmm, maybe I'll browse knitting patterns today, see if I can find something that screams "KNIT ME!" :o)

Happiness!!

Guess what I am wearing right now!? My finished cardigan!!

And more goodness: my lap top is at the shop right now, turns out I was right and they were wrong (it was still under warranty after all)! hahaha :oD The guy I talked to said I would have it back in about a week, depending on if they had to order replacement parts.

First thing I'm doing after getting it back (after reinstalling my OP system and programs of course)? Upload pictures of my lovely cardigan!!!

I am in such a good mood today it's disgusting :oD